The age old question, why me?

So here I am, laying alone after having an amazing weekend at TwitchCon 2019, depressed and angry. Angry with myself, life, the things I see and the things I really can’t do shit about.

What should I be angry about? I’m just angry at the fact that I feel like I’ve wasted so much of my life on love. I’ve made so many attempts in my lifetime to find someone to love only for it to turn out for the worst for me.

It’s not my place to tell someone I’ve dedicated my life to, to remain unhappy until I can be happy. However, it always seems like, once I’m out of their lives, they go on to live happily ever after.

Some people say that life’s greatest lessons are learned through pain, yet it doesn’t seem like I’ve learned a damn thing. Instead, it’s from me that others have learned from to be happy.

Yes, I admit that I was the one who broke off my last relationship. Mentally and emotionally for me, it just wasn’t good for me. In the end she realized that she was constantly hurting me. Now though everything is just peachy for her and here I am, sad, angry and alone again.

Whether she learned from what she was doing to me or not, I’m still here pissed at the world that I live in.

They say that everyone deserves to be happy, but I’m barely really ever happy anymore. It’s far to hard to be. Others say that you have to learn to love yourself before loving another. I’m not even sure if I can anymore. I’m such a failure to be honest that I don’t think there’s much left to love.

When we lose the option for choice

We are living in a world where there is no such thing as too much excess. Right now I am typing into a Word document in the comfort of my own bed with a Bluetooth keyboard on to my tablet which is being held by a stand mounted to the side of my bed. I should mention that I have a perfectly well made gaming laptop sitting in my backpack in the living room. In fact, I probably should be writing this from my desktop. It with it’s dual screen setup, mechanical keyboard, 2.1 surround sound with Spotify playing my favorite Chill Hop playlist, but no, today I want to write this from my bed.
This is where I am in the world. I am allowed these simple pleasures because it is what I have setup for myself. To have these items, these situations of excess. It is not because I needed them. I do not need to have a tablet, a laptop, a desktop, a cell phone, smart speakers to turn on or off the lights in my home. All these things I have because I wanted them. I choose to have these things.
I am not alone in this world of excess. It is what our modern society is currently built on. To start with, an excess of information. This information that we have is what has been bothering me as of late. We have billions of people, human beings on this one tiny speck of dust in the universe. We have all of the world’s knowledge at the whim of a couple of keystrokes, a few taps on a cell phone and yet we are divided knowledge. Knowledge that could write a new history. Knowledge to learn from past mistakes. Knowledge on where we have come from. Knowledge on what it could look like to live in a world with peace, albeit fantasy. Knowledge that could save lives. All of this knowledge at our fingertips and yet we are still at a disadvantage.
You see, with all of this knowledge, we are allowed the ability of choice. Choice is something I myself having grown up in a democracy has afforded me freedoms others around the world might not get. I’m allowed to have my own thoughts, choices, feelings, and opinions on and of the world around me. These freedoms is what has allowed me to live in what some might call “excess”. No matter what you might call it though, humans have had a lot of choice in the state of the world.
This has lead me to ask the question though, at what point do we lose the option for a “Choice”? I’m not saying this in a way to undermine democracy. Far from it. I am saying this from the point in which our existence is doomed.
Humans have a choice in the debate on whether or not they believe Global Warming or Climate Change is real. For those who believe have other choices, whether to do something about it or continue on with the way things are. Those in the latter may choose the idea of, “What do I care? I won’t be around for when it gets worse.”
Those who do not believe in it have a choice as well. To continue to live out their days like nothing is going to happen. To just continue on like the earth is going to be here forever for everyone.
I believe George Carlin said it best, “There is nothing wrong with the planet. The people are F*&%ed. Compared to the people, the planet has been here for [billions] years … The planet has been through a lot worse than us for a long time. It’s been through earthquakes, volcanoes, plate tectonics…” and on and on he goes. Basically though at the root of his skit he is saying that the human race is not a threat to the planet. Long after we are gone, earth will still be here.
Bringing me back to my question, at what point do we lose the option of choice? I hope that it’s obvious that I’m writing this from the point of view that Climate Change is absolutely real. Our world is in very real danger of coming to an end. With the current status of things, I am at point thinking that I might not even make it to the age of 100 if given the chance. Will there be much left of choice at around the age of 60 or 70? What does that say about the generation coming after us. Will they be forced to suffer because of our negligence?
For decades, fantasy sci-fi novels have written about machines and AI taking over the human race because we are incapable taking care of ourselves or doing what is write for our species. It’s a matter of losing choice by our own doing. Man builds machines. Machines assist man. Machines take over for man. In this scenario, what I’m saying is that our planet may take away our excess. Our choice to live the way we do. Soon we may lose our choice to ignore the way we are destroying our survivable environment.
Lately there has been a lot of news about the fires in the Amazon and how it is because business has come in and set fire to it all for cattle. In response, many celebrities have decided that they will no longer partake in the consumption of beef. These few celebrities may have some influence on a small part of society but so long as the business is around, the cattle will still roam. The cow farts will still pollute the atmosphere. So long as we have a need to get to work, we’ll still be driving our cars. So long as the planet remains to be getting warmer and warmer, so to does our consumption of energy to help us remain in a comfortable AC habitat. Throwing that all together, at some point we will all lose the ability to choose to do these things.
At what point should the conversation become about taking away one’s choice? It’s absolutely a crazy thought, but something to consider. It is in fact extremely difficult to even think about as well. How do you take away the ability of choice from mankind? Do we begin by allowing certain choices but not everything? When it comes to the environment, do we just remove the choice to do anything that is bad for the environment? No more driving. No more burning fossil fuels. At what point do we need to make the human race realize that if we don’t do something, we’re all doomed. It won’t happen until we’re all doomed.
I guess I’ll just enjoy my excess while I still got it.

Where is home now?

For a guy who has grown up in what can be considered a far away land. That land being in the middle of the ocean, I often find myself questioning why I left that place. Why would I leave some place so special? A place where love, life, family, and belonging are so prevalent to me. I began really questioning it recently after going back home to visit in July.

This time around though, I was not alone on my visit home. It was an interesting experience taking someone to my island home. This person had never been to Hawaii and, like most of the people here on the mainland, only know of the stories they were told. Stories of it’s beauty, it’s people, and it’s culture. We have so much to offer the world in the ways of living. It’s beauty can empower those to make serious changes to their lifestyle. Some could even find peace for once in their lives.

It was obvious by the smiles on both her face and of her daughter’s face that they loved Hawaii. From the swimming everyday in the ocean, to the many sights, shopping, and of course the fantastic food we have spread across all of the islands. When we got back, she told me that she had never seen a rainbow more full in her life. Even if she didn’t say it, I know that she fell in love with my home. Arguably, it is really hard not to fall in love with Hawaii.

I still get asked why I would leave a place with so much Aloha. So much Mana. The truth of it is the price of living in paradise. When I left Hawaii, we were living in a 524 sq/ft apartment for $1000 a month back in 2011. Today, the same place is going for around $1400. With everything else being expensive already in Hawaii it wasn’t easy to stay afloat with the ever rising costs. So when the opportunity came to work in the mainland, I took it. At the start of 2020 it’ll be eight long years since I made that decision.

A lot has changed since I left and a part of me feels like I have been a contributor to those costs. A bill has been passed in Hawaii called Bill 89 CD2. This bill is to help regulate the ever growing popularity of Short-Term leasing by websites/apps like AirBnb and Expedia.

According to the Bill, it’s purpose is to better regulate the use of homes for less than 30 days. While the Bill was being purposed, many thought of it as a way to save their neighborhoods from the random people showing up and ruining the area. I can understand this from the stories I’ve heard about people leaving an AirBnB unit in complete chaos.

On the other side of the issue is the real reason why I feel like a contributor to the Bill being passed is the amount of rentals available on the islands. A lot of good homes and residential apartment builds had been converted into Bed and Breakfast units due to the popularity of these sites. A home owner who has a space to rent could easily double or even triple their profits from a vacation rental instead of yearly lease from a resident.

I haven’t used the sites AirBnB or Expedia to book my stays in Hawaii but instead I have used a site called VRBO as it was the first I had heard of to offer these types of services. A big reason is that when I go home, I don’t want to be reminded that Hawaii is a tourist destination. It’s a feeling you can’t shake when you stay at a hotel in the islands. Instead I try to look for a condo or house to rent while I’m there. It just feels more like home when I do. There is a stipulation to the Bill that allows for vacation rentals to remain in areas where it is permitted. Namely those places with all of the hotels.

As of right now, I really don’t know what to think. Considering that there will be less units available to rent from for a short-term lease, those prices are sure to rise. I guess time will tell on what’s to come of the B&B market in Hawaii.


Where has all the good in this life gone?

Let’s face it, this America is in turmoil. We live in a Country where tragedy is a normal occurrence. I think we can all agree that it shouldn’t be normal to read headlines like what has happened in Texas, Ohio, and California. It’s ridiculous that we can see all of these “Thoughts and Prayers” but never a solution?

Let’s look at the elephant in the room here, gun control. I’m no expert on guns. I have never fired one and yet even I understand the view of having one as protection. I understand that the way the second amendment is written that we have an inherit right to “bare arms.” However, at what point does a right superseded our very survival? I don’t mean this as a way of saying, “We need more guns!”

Obviously, Texas is a state that doesn’t have a problem with guns but 20 people were killed there. The gunman survived and was taken into custody. In the state with all the “lawful gun owners/open carry is allowed” no one stopped to take this guy out before he killed 20 people? I’m pretty sure, more guns is not the answer. Just recently the NRA in Texas was boasting about how they managed to loosen gun laws there. This shouldn’t be the way things are. Take a look at this:

Listening to this session from back in 2016 before Obama left office, maybe now is a good time to talk about Gun Control? I don’t know, maybe something like a Driver’s License? Background checks? At this point something is better than nothing right?

Some people might argue that I might not get it. What I might not get is that when the Amendment was written, it was to protect the people from the Government. Should the Government go against the people, the people would have a means to defend themselves.

Just an FYI, as a Hawaiian, I actually do get it. Talking with people here in the mainland, most have no idea of how Hawaii first became a territory, then a state. It wasn’t like someone came over and was like, “Hey would you like to become part of the United States of America?” Nope. It was taken at gun point. Weird right?

Now let me ask this; if the government would do something so tyrannic as to subvert it’s people into something that would force you to take up arms, who do you think it is that you will be fighting against? Would it be the government or would it be the people who are employed by the government? You know, the police, our military, the men and women who are meant to protect the people. Are you going to fight back against them? Are you going to take up arms against those who are only trying to do their jobs?

I do not know the answers and I won’t pretend to, but now is as good a time as any to start the conversation. No matter what the man baby in office has to say. Now is the time to have this conversation. I don’t care about the ideals of a Dems vs Reps. Red vs Blue. What I do care about is people being murdered in public by those who only wish to bring harm to other people. Not hunting for sport. Not for the love of shooting guns. Not for protection. These individuals sought to kill people. PEOPLE!

Remember, the Constitution starts out with the words, “We the People” not the corporations/politicians. We the People

Goodbye 2018

Let’s face it, every year that ticks by we always think about the bad the things that have happened over the year. Loss, hardship, missed opportunities, losing loved ones and so forth. Every year is met with challenges and some of those we can’t do anything about. Then there’s planning what you want for the new year. This is never ever as easy as you want it to be. The truth is though, we need to stop thinking that way.
Every year it’s the same thing, be healthy, save money, do something fantastic, get that big promotion, make a lifestyle change. Look, that’s all fine and dandy but how many years have gone by and you’ve accomplished that. We all have lofty goals for this one life that we are all given but that’s just it, we only get one. Why are you thinking so small? Stop with all of that. Make some damn goals! This year I’m setting up my goals for life. So here we go.

Goal #1 – Be Humble

Let’s start out by being more humble with what I have. It’s true, there is a lot of want in this world. We live and die by the needs of commerce. There are things in this world that can be bought that will bring a slight bit of happiness for a period of time.

This year I finally made the move to upgrade my computer so that I can stream and play games better. I got everything setup and running and that was great. Then the first few weeks, I really didn’t bother doing much on it because I was more concerned with the amount of money I spent on it. It probably could have waited just a little bit longer but I had to have it. As of right now though, I don’t regret it. It’s done and now it’s time to make something of it.

I have been streaming again here and there. Making new content on my Twitch page and interacting with new viewers. My content hasn’t exactly changed but my relief that the system is working much better than it used to is a great feeling.

Basically, I just need to humble myself.

Goal #2 – Work on buying a home

It’s really time I got my ass out of paying rent. A lot of people say that owning a home is extremely hard and at times not worth it, but like my first goal, it’s hard to be humble about what you have when all you’re paying for is a place to rest your head. Sure, it’s home but I’m not paying for something I can call mine. I’m paying for something that I’m basically borrowing. I want to start owning what I’m putting my money into.

When I decided to buy my car instead of leasing, it was because I’m capable of taking care of my car for many years to come. Sure, the newest and latest cars will always have a draw to them, but at the end of the loan I’ll have a car I own without owing anymore money. Renting an apartment/home just feels so empty when you realize that it’s not yours. So this year, I’m going to be making major strides to make a home purchase. Nothing extravagant but something I can call mine.

Goal #3 – See more of the world

This one has been a goal for a while but it needs to happen. My biggest hurdle has been my damn passport and I for real needs to get that damn thing. I’ve been slacking so hard on that but this year I will work on getting it and then the world will be mine. I believe I have enough vacation time already to travel around the world in 40 days but I’m not going to do it all at one time. I’m only 36 right now and I got many years to see what this world has to offer.

Goal #4 – Stay healthy in body and mind

I’m sure I’ve talked about it with a lot of people that my acid reflux has been a problem for many many years but only this year have I kept up with it. It has gotten much better but now I need to make sure my body is happy.

There are a few things I haven’t been doing since I left Hawaii and exercise is absolutely one of those things. I used to have abs, tone legs, and as someone once put it, “OMG You have back dimples. That’s sexy.” Now a days I’ve been letting a lot of my old self slip. It has nothing to do really with my capability to exercise, I just haven’t cared at all is the problem. I’m realizing though that I’m getting fucking old and if I don’t stay in some manageable state of health, I won’t have that opportunity to see the world. I won’t be able to enjoy the home I eventually bought. I won’t be able to do a great many things.

My mind is much of the same. 2018 was a painful year and while I had many successes professionally, there was a lot of things that went wrong.

Goal #5 – Publish a novel 

This one is a funny one. I remember high school as being a time that I couldn’t give a shit about English. Sure I read a book here and there but it was nothing that I took to heart as something I’d like to create. Today though, there are so many stories and ideas in my head that I’d love to turn into a novel. Nothing special just a short story maybe or even a trilogy.

All in all though, this is just a list of life goals. This isn’t all of them, but this is the list that I’m starting on for 2019. Barring some dick bag of a President getting in the way of all this happening is still up in the air but I have set some goals and I plan on sticking to it.

What are the effects?

What are the effects? We as a race just can’t seem to get it’s shit together. I think in just the last few months, move lives have been lost due to stupidity and selfish actions than ever before.

In Somalia, a truck bombing killed hundreds. FUCKING HUNDREDS!  In Las Vegas, one asshole decided that he was going to shoot into a crowd of people enjoying a concert. He killed more than 50 people. Puerto Rico, British Virgin Islands, Florida, Texas, all devestated by multiple hurricanes.

Only one of these things is beyond our control and that is the weather. We can only protect those that would be in harms way as much as possible.  What about the rest? What about the violence? Why is the world so quick to react with violence?

So many damn questions and not enough answers. Sometimes it feels like oppresion would be easier than what we have today. Not all the time of course but it’s the stories that get reported that just makes you wonder, “Can this world ever know what peace is?” People sing it during the holidays, over and over with songs like Joy to the World but it feels like it falls on deaf ears.

I don’t know what the answers are and I don’t feel like anyone has the right answer no matter what the circumstance. What I do believe is that the world needs to get it’s shit together or we may just end up extinct like the dinosaurs. Only difference is that it won’t be a meteor that takes us out, it’ll be ourselves.


Is the world on fire or is it just me?

It’s hard to understand this world when it’s always a complete shit storm. Currently there are fires all along the West Coast of the country. There is a seriously terrible situation going on in Texas after Hurricane Harvey tore through. However, now there is also now Hurricane Irma that is following almost right along the same path.

It’s not as bad here but it’s still bad in it’s own way as the fires around Eagle Creek have spread well over 4800 acres. The National Weather Service said that the spread is actually going to get worse before it has a chance for it to get any better. I know that it’s stupid to think this, but Sunday morning after I had finished work, I wanted to wash my car because it was covered in dirt from all the construction going on across from my apartment. Now my car however, is covered in ash. Much like my patio is in the photo below:

I believe in California, around 19 wild fires are burning up and down the state causing serious trouble. It’s also troubling knowing that here on the West Coast we were so happy for all the snow fall/packs that happened this past winter. Now it seems a lot of that water is going to be used to try and put out the fires.

It’s so hard to grasp how bad it really truly is around the world. We have wars, poverty, hunger, natural disasters, and more that it makes me wonder if the human race was always fated to be doomed.

It’s an ugly sky this morning here in Oregon. Forest fires got the sky looking like So.Cal. LOL #nofilter

A post shared by Charlie Criscola (@charlieboy808) on

Oh wells. It’s like they say, “We’ll all be dead someday.”

Writing the thoughts in my head

I need to talk. I need to get the thoughts across and out of my head. My head is so full of emotion and depression that I feel like writing is the only way that I can deal with it all. We live in a time where the world is pissed at everything and everyone. We can’t agree on how to be good people. Hell some can’t even agree that we’re all human. We have people who want to murder others for being different, for preaching another religion, for money, revenge, completely stupid reasons. It’s depressing.


The only thing we can all agree on is that we want happiness. Not just happy with what we are or have at the end of the day, but just the fact that we are satisfied. The problem of course is in the how do we become happy?

A particular example is the North Korean leader. What does it take to make a psychopath happy when all he’s known growing up is that we are the bad guys? You have other countries who are trying to do the right thing for their people but are completely incapable of satisfying their needs.

The worst part about writing things down I find is that all I have is questions. I don’t have any answers. Nothing I would consider a real answer. My answer would be a fairy tale of sorts. One that could possibly be only written into a movie. The answer of mine? Just hope that everyone would just get along. What do we do to make that reality?

Collectively, we are (the human race) a species of unrefined wisdom. A wisdom of understanding that we are the species that has risen from a state of basic animal instinct. As I remember hearing in a TED talk once with Adam Savage, we are the only species on this planet has hasn’t evolved physically to fit into our environments. We more or less adapted our clothes to fit our environments.

You can’t just take a lion from an African Desert and drop it into the middle of the frozen tundra and expected to survive for very long. Through evolution, it could be possible of course but that could take some time. We as humans, we are capable of doing such things. So why is it so hard for all of us to just get along?

I think the problem doesn’t exist in our ability to adapt. We have been masters of that ability for thousands of years. I believe that it has something to do with our ability to accept. Acceptance of one another unconditionally.

I need more time to think on this and my brain is going a mile a minute so I’ll need to come back and collect my thoughts.

Till next time

What to do?

What’s up folks? It’s been a while since I’ve written in my blog. I have no idea who reads blogs anymore. Most of the time it’s the instant gratification of status updates on Facebook and Twitter that seem to get all of the attention these days.

Well I feel like I need to change all of that for myself and start writing again about things that matter to me. Like, for starters, why this world can’t agree on shit anymore? 

Anyways, I think I’m going to start working on a daily blog again and just write some stuff about how I’m doing and what I’m thinking about.